Author:
For: monanotlisa
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: Cadman/McKay.
Rating: PG13.
Setting: Post-"Duet."
Words: 841.
Summary: Cadman plots to annoy McKay just as much as he annoys her.
Cadman had been looking forward to going through the Gate and getting out of Atlantis, but she hadn't expected this. Hefting her pack higher on her back, she ignored the aches of her body and continued hiking.
The hike itself was gorgeous. The mountain, the new soft grass with blue flowers peaking out from it, and the workout wasn't the problem. It was the company. Specifically, McKay, who was both complaining and lagging behind. And somehow Cadman had pissed Sheppard off just enough to be assigned rear watch or maybe the Colonel had reached his own McKay limit.
Cadman liked to think that she and McKay had some sort of bonding through sharing a body. But two weeks later, she was back to the person who was supposed to guard his butt. On a normal day on Atlantis, she could annoy him and appreciate his unique temperament, but not here.
"I just don't understand why we have to do this," McKay said. "If Teyla had come on this mission, instead of you, we'd be sitting down to be big fest; Sheppard would be hitting on whatever alien priestess threw herself at his feet; and most importantly, my feet wouldn't feel like they were going to fall off. But no, we have to earn the trust of some feudal overlords because Caldwell can't be bothered to ship anything but MREs from earth."
Cadman rolled her eyes. "You done?"
"I haven't even started." And he did continue, on and on and on.
There were few situations in life where Cadman felt truly unnerved and without feasible solution. She hadn't heard whining this petty since her first week at Parris Island. It made her crave to do something to jolt McKay from his narcissistic rant. Like she didn't know how steep the trail was or how far Sheppard and Ronon were ahead of them.
*****
Cadman felt relieved when Sheppard gave the order to set up camp. She'd missed her family's yearly camping trip this year and had been hankering to sleep in the great outdoors. Somehow throwing her sleeping bag on Atlantis' smooth floors hadn't seemed the same. Now if only they had marshmallows.
But they did have military issue chocolate bars and a bottle of alien ritual wine. Cadman found herself sitting around the fire and passing the bottle around. Of course, they were under strict orders not to get drunk and to drink an equal amount of water. The Colonel had said it; though Cadman was never sure how strict he was going to be. Especially when he was reciting the plot of Batman to Ronon, trying to pass it off as a modern fable of earth, while McKay corrected the timeline and make comments about the movies.
"None of the movies ever lived up to the comics," McKay said. "George Clooney and his rubber nipples, please."
"Batman Returns wasn't so bad," Cadman interrupted. "Catwoman was pretty hot." She waited for Rodney's reaction as she took a drink from the bottle.
Instead, Rodney snorted, clearly shuffling her remark under the crazy shit only Cadman would say. "I don't think it was a stretch for Michelle Pfeiffer to play a hot psychopath who meows a lot."
"Meows?" Ronon frowned at them both.
"Now you're ruining the surprise," Sheppard said. "See Selena dies and rises again to become Catwoman."
Cadman watched as McKay stood up and headed away from the fire and into the forest. She followed him. Despite being annoyed with him, it was her job to make sure he didn't get captured by hostile natives or eaten by giant squirrels.
"Do you mind?" McKay hissed. "I need to pee."
"Having performance anxiety?" Cadman shook her head. She didn't just follow McKay out here to guard his ass, but also to use the bushes herself. She wasn't going to wait all day.
"No." McKay turned toward a tree, and Cadman heard a familiar tinkle. "See. Peeing."
Cadman placed her sidearm into its holster. "Scoot over."
"Wait. What?"
Ignoring McKay, Cadman undid her button fly. In college, she and her girlfriends had read about women who'd learned to pee standing up. Just like the boys. They'd all decided to learn and use their newfound skill at the next frat party. It never happened, but Cadman had decided that it was a useful talent for her to learn. It was easy now; all she had to do was pull back her labia and aim.
"Oh my god, you're not," McKay said. He scrambled to pull up his own pants. "You are not. I'm not seeing this. This is not my life. Women do not. They don't. I have a sister. We went camping. Once. She didn't. But you-"
Cadman rolled her eyes for the twelfth time that day. "Just because you don't know any women who can stand while peeing, doesn't mean that we don't exist."
"I hate you." Rodney crossed his arms, and Cadman smiled. She'd finally gotten back at him off-world.
Finishing, she turned back to the campfire, surprised to see that McKay was waiting for her. "Don't worry, Rodney, I know how read between the lines. Boys are always mean to the girls they like."
"Hate you."