Author:
Timeline: Season 7 after "Sleeper" and during "Never Leave Me."
Rating: PG13
"Xander," said Anya over her cup of coffee. "I don't think this is going to work."
"Come on," he shuffled his feet and looked down at the red table. "Anyway, I hear that coffee is the non-relationship beverage of choice."
"Have it your way." She took another sip of her coffee. "I can't believe this whole thing about Spike..."
"I know. Him getting his soul and being the First's brainwashed minion of darkness."
"And you weren't Dracula's minion?"
"That was different. Anyway, Soul or soulless, I still don't trust the guy. And I had to live with that...poor excuse for a vampire. Which as much as I love Buffy, she could have gotten me killed with his chip malfunctioning."
"That wasn't what I was thinking of, but okay. Xander," she flipped her blonde hair. "You still think I'm attractive right?"
"Of course I do Anya," he looked down at the table once again. "It's just that we've been through so much..."
"But you still think I'm pretty, right?"
"Yes."
"And you'd like to throw me down on this table and have sex with me right now?"
Xander's jaw hit the table. "Well, you know with everything that's happened." He looked up to see her glaring at him. "Of course," he chuckled nervously, thinking about all those men that had boils on their penises and worse due to her.
"Oh," she took another sip.
********
"Willow, you're a lesbian," Anya inquired.
Willow looked up from her I-Mac. "Yes, officially 100 percent. I like the women," she bobbed her head.
"Can I ask you a question?" Anya flicked her nails together nervously.
"Well..."
"Would you sleep with me, theoretically, of course? None of that sexy magic stuff we did." she eagerly asked.
"First of all, magic - no. Not sexy. Second, you're not a bad looking woman."
"Thanks," Anya smiled. "I'll let you get back to your..." She glanced at the screen. "Doogie Howser fanfic?"
"Oh," Willow slightly blushed. "Just looking at some old high school stuff. You know, when I still liked boys."
"Who is this Doogie Howser fellow anyway? Do you think he'd be interested in me?"
"Ummm...possibly in a medical way." Willow scrunched her nose. "He was just a television character. But totally hot, well in his day"
"Like Brian and Justin and their hot man love?"
"Yeah Anya." She turned back to her computer. "Well, I do have a paper for American Literature."
"Don't worry. Xander explained your pursuit of the almighty grade as he called it. See you later."
*********
"Has anyone seen the iguana/Has anyone seen the iguana"
"Ah," Anya pointed to Dawn's stereo. "Depressing music of angsty teenagers."
"Kit gave me a tape," Dawn responded. "Aren't they cool?"
"Dawn," Buffy barged in holding a blue sweater. "What is this stain doing on my sweater?" she demanded.
Perched on her bed, Dawn looked at the ground. "Ketchup? Or..or maybe," she looked at the huge reddish stain. "Pizza sauce?"
"Unacceptable." Buffy's facial expression turned from anger to puzzlement. "Hey isn't this the band that was playing at The Bronze recently?"
"Oh,/Out there in the distance"
"Dawn..." Buffy arched her eyebrow and frowned. "You should know. You were there."
"Was that when she was dressed like a slut?" Anya piped up.
"Don't call my sister a slut."
"I didn't. I said that she was dressed like a slut. That no way implies that she is in fact a slut. Unless that sexy dance that Xander couldn't stop talking about was true."
"What?" Buffy's mouth fell open.
"Why couldn't he have like me when I like him," Dawn bemoaned on her bed.
"Have no fear young teenager," Anya assured her. "Just like Buffy, one day you'll fall in love with a post-evil undead whose chiseled abs will never grow older. You already made it to step one with that vamp you were making out with last Halloween.
"By the way, Dawn if you were gay would you have make out with me?"
"What!?!" Dawn whined in confusion.
"Buffy, what about you?" Anya continued her search for answers.
"That would all depend on the situation," Buffy answered. "Wait, I'm with Dawn on this one - what?"
"Xander," she began. "Wanted me to go through Spike's stuff while he was sleeping to see if we could find any clues about what he's been doing roaming Sunnydale during the night. I told Xander that Spike roams during the night because he's a vampire and that's what they do. But does he ever listen to me? In my search, I accidentally woke up Spike. I tried to make things seem kinky. But he wasn't interested at all. He was like ‘I only will make love with the woman I love.' Did that sappy Oscar Wilde shit come with the soul or was it an optional package? ...Spike having gay sex. Going to my happy place."
"Anya," Buffy talked through her teeth. "I don't want to hear about your happy place, and I don't want Dawn to hear about it either."
"Don't worry Buffy," Dawn assured her. "Spike and I used to watch Queer as Folk all the time. Brian and Justin are so hot, and their love is pure and true. Sometimes, Anya and Xander would watch it with us."
"You let her watch two men make out," Buffy looked at Anya.
"Did you miss the part where Willow's gay, and her and Tara had lots of lesbian sex in the house. Not to mention magic - which is much more addictive than sweaty orgasm action. Anyway, Brian and Justin do much more than just make out."
"Errr," Buffy grumbled. "And you," she pointed to Dawn. "My shirt is ruined."
The three women heard the front door being opened then slammed.
******
"Pull that rope tighter. He's evil, and he might get away," Xander instructed Dawn.
"It's not like what's-his-face has superpowers."
"The name's Andrew," their prisoner snapped.
"I know, Dawnie. But Buffy said to take every precaution, especially if he's working for The First. He could be here to unleash the bigger bad with the malfunctioning chip upstairs. I should probably go check on Buffy and him. An?"
"What do you want, Xander," Anya frowned at him.
"I'm going upstairs to check on Buffy. So you need to watch him."
"Okay," she shrugged her shoulders.
"And I really have to go pee," Dawn interjected.
"I can watch the little nerd myself."
"Hey, I'm not little," Andrew protested.
"Shut up. Or I'll put your gag back on," Anya threatened him. "I don't know why Buffy took it off in the first place. I know you're human and all, but still evil."
"I feel like Captain Archer that time he and T'Pol were kidnapped by the Andorians."
"Only you won't have big Vulcan tits to fall over on."
"You watched Enterprise?"
Anya shrugged her shoulders. "Once and a while with Xander. Hey," she turned to him. "Would like to fall into the comfort of my boobs?"
"Ummm...," he hesitated. "Aren't they kind of small for maximum head support? You know, I wouldn't want to damage anymore brain cells by hitting my head squarely on your rib cage."
"God dammit," she snapped at him. "Where did Dawn put the gag."
"Having problems with our prisoner, Anya?" Dawn asked.
"Yes," she responded. "Our fairy seems to be rather tight lipped. I'll have to change that."
*******
"Yes, Giles," Willow talked to the ex-Watcher over the phone. "Xander seems to think that Spike has some kind of musical trigger.
"Trigger. Like the brainwashing kind used by the military.
"I've looked through all the books you left here and all the ones Tara and I owned for a spell to figure out what song it is. But nothing has come up yet."
"Willow," Buffy yelled from the top of the Summer's stairs. "I need your help unlocking this book. There seems to some magical goop holding it together."
"Hold on," she answered. "Giles, I'm going to put Anya on the phone while you're looking, and if you find something have her come and get me."
Willow handed the phone to Anya.
"So Giles," she figured that she should at least say hello to the MIA brains of the Scoobies. "How are things in England?"
Giles mumbled a response. He was clearly very busy rummaging around for the correct book and not paying attention to what Anya was saying.
"I bet the weather's rather depressing compared to Sunnydale. What with all that rain?
"Giles, do you find me attractive and wish to have sex with me?"
Busy with his books, Giles was only muttering ‘ahs' and ‘yeahs.'
"Hold on Giles. I need to tell Spike something."
She set down the phone and ran upstairs with a big grin on her face. "Guess what Spike," she turned to the vampire drinking pig's blood straight from the packet. "Giles wants to sleep with me. And your weird true love opinions no longer matter to me."