Author:
Pairing: Wesley/Angel, Spike/Angel, Harmony/Spike, Spike/Gunn, Lindsey/Angel, Gunn/Fred, and Fred/Knox.
Set: S5 after "Destiny."
Rating: R.
For: Parody purposes. My own amusement.
Lindsey confronts Angel while he's in bed with Wesley. In a rage, he punches naked Wesley, who's covered with a strategic sheet, in the stomach with his evil hand. Angel jumps out of bed to protect his man - naked of course. Audience screams in horror or delight.
Lindsey cried, "It's so much bigger than I remember." His evil hand reaches for Angel's cock. "No, I can't." Lindsey runs away.
Angel turns to Wesley. "There's something I need to tell you."
********
Cut to Lorne walking down the hall. Harmony flags him down and also Spike.
Harmony: "Did you hear what happened? Lindsey barged into Angel and Wesley's room, punched Wesley, and ran off."
Lorne: "That's strange." His mobile starts ringing, which he ignores despite the angry looks from Harmony.
Spike: "Stupid ponce, cheating on me."
Harmony: "Blondie bear what about me?"
Spike: "You... You have Lorne."
Harmony: "Have you ever heard the term ‘fag hag.'"
Lorne: "Looks like we're all just a bunch of ‘fags' here." He laughs nervously. "It's okay; Gunn's a handsome man."
Spike: "I'm not a poofter."
Harmony: "What? Spike!" She slugs Spike in his newly corporeal arm. "Are you being homophobic. The gays are our friends."
Spike is standing there rubbing his arm.
Lorne: "Way to wave the rainbow flag, PFLAG."
******
Gunn walks into the lab.
Fred: "Hi Gunn. What are you doing here?"
Gunn: "Just checking out the lab."
Fred helps Knox adjust some big looking science instrument.
Knox: "I heard that you two used to date. That must be awkward."
Gunn: "It's not something we talk about."
Fred: "The writers would like to forget about that."
Knox: "Oh." He writes some stuff down on the clipboard. "My goal in Fred's and my dating life is to parallel every John Hughes' movie. I've always wanted a relationship like that. Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink."
Gunn: "Doesn't the nerdy guy not end up with the girl?"
*****
Angel's and Wesley's bedroom. It's dark, and the shades are drawn.
Wesley: "I thought you were going to call security."
Angel: "Later. Listen, I'm really sorry about this whole Lindsey thing. I don't know why all my ex-boyfriends turn into stalkers. I mean look at Spike. He's a more irritating curse than this soul."
Wesley: "Angel?"
Angel: "Disregard the whole soul comment. You know my mouth; it just babbles on and on."
******
Commercial.
******
Wesley is sitting at his desk researching, and Harmony is propped up on his desk.
"Is this the Shanshu prophecy?" Harmony asks Wesley and steals the book. "A vampire with a soul will buy a young, hot vampire a Prada dress," she pretends to read. "Sounds good to me. Let's go get Spike and Angel."
Wesley yanks the book from Harmony. "Do not touch the books."
"Awe," she pouts and picks up the phone. "Boss, your boyfriend isn't letting me read the prophecies." Pause. "No, I can only speak English and some Spanish." Pause. "Okay, I can see your point." Pause. "Yeah, he's really cute when he does that."
Wesley snatches the phone. "A little progress today. Though Harmony is quite the annoyance."
"Hey."